Snakes on a Plane

What were we expecting? Grandeur? Dramatic depth? Sophistication? I certainly hope not. Anyone stepping into the theater this week to see “Snakes on a Plane” won't be greeted by any of those things. But then again, no one ever promised them. What exactly did we think was going to happen? Surrounded by hype since more than a year before its release, most of which seems to have come from the campy name itself, everyone that knows their way around the Internet was already fully informed about this movie. How often is a film quote famous before release? Not often, but this one indeed defies our logic; we spent the first three-fourths of the movie waiting with bated breath for the magical, oh-so-Samuel L. Jackson words. “I'm sick of these motherfuckin' smakes on this motherfuckin' plane!” Our struggle for gratification at finally hearing those words in context mirrored the struggle of bloggers across America who have been waiting for this film for what seems like decades. The ironic part is that, when we finally do hear it in the movie, it's in an awkward moment, and not really in context, or even in keeping with the character that's been established . Like much of the script, the line comes with the package; it's a textbook “bad but amusing action movie”, from the first frame to the last.

How many of us can spell this story out in our heads? A witness to a capital crime is being escorted overseas on a commercial airliner, and the man against whom he's to testify sets loose an army of deadly exotic snakes on the flight. Chaos, panic, and a lot of nasty snake bites ensue (some in less pleasant places than others). You've got a standard cast of freaked-out innocent bystanders: the well-to-do, dog-in-the-purse, Paris Hilton type, the rap star and his posse, a couple of kids (what horror movie would be complete without some frightened children?), and a woman with a baby (who also happens to be a snake venom expert). If the actors were given more screen time to explore their virtually nonexistent dramatic ranges, we could compare them to the bus passengers from “Speed”. Luckily here, the filmmakers spare us the bathroom break and stick to the only thing that works in this movie: the snakes. You know, the ones on a plane. These often-digital menaces are outrageous, and they give the movie the over-the-top feel that it deserves.

I mean really, did we expect anything more? Or anything less, for that matter? I certainly didn't, and that's the very reason I enjoyed it so much.